Indecisive
by Lynn2744
Summary: Just a small story about what is going through Lena's head at the end of Pandemonium. Don't read if you haven't finished ALL of Pandemonium.


**Disclaimer: I don't own this!**

**So I just finished Pandemonium. WOW. Is all I have to say. I  
****don't know about you guys but she belongs with Alex. So  
****enjoy this one-shot about Lena and Alex.  
****Did I mention I HATE Julian? He's dumb. She belongs with Alex. End. Of. Story.**

* * *

I can't breath. I can't move. All I can do is stare. It's impossible, he's dead. Every part of me had accepted this. He wasn't coming back, yet somehow, here he is.  
"Alex-" I manage to choke out. He smiles.  
"Hi." He says plainly, like he has just gotten back from the store or something. How is he not going crazy?  
"How?" I say, mouth still gaping. He just looks at me, and then his gaze moves to Julian. I'm surprised by how quickly his expression changes from happiness to something close to hatred.  
"Maybe we can talk somewhere else. I don't like the poster-boy for the DFA listening to a word I have to say... Unless I'm saying, 'Take your hands off my girlfriend and go crawl back to your side of the fence.'" The look Alex is giving Julian is starting to scare me. I had almost completely forgotten Julian was in the room with his arms still around me, more protective than romantic now. His grip loosens as he turns toward me.  
"Alex..." he says lost in thought, then his expression changes to something unreadable. "Alex. As in, the one who gave you the _deliria_?" asks Julian. I can't lie to him about this. He knows the one who gave me _deliria_ was named Alex, but I've told him he's dead.  
"I thought you said he was dead?" the look he gives me, one of pure confusion, and hurt, almost kills me. He thinks I lied to him about this. I didn't know. I really thought he was dead, but I can't seem to be able to find the right words to tell him that.  
"_The_deliria?" Alex asks astonished. He sighs. "Lena," he says exasperatedly. "I thought you were better than this. He doesn't even call it what it is." The look of disgust on his face makes me move away from Julian and wrap my arms tightly across my stomach.  
"Alex... I- He's just not used to saying it yet." I know my excuse is petty, but it's all I can manage. Pulling away from Julian has helped the mush that my brain has become return into a functioning _thing._I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. Everything I thought I knew has all been proven wrong. My entire _before_life I thought was true, right, and the only way: WRONG! I thought Alex was dead and I could never have him back: WRONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Why is everything so wrong?  
"Lena?" Julian's eyes somehow manage to ask twenty different questions at once. The deep layers of blue and gray swirling, making it impossible not to be mesmerized by them, and the hard set line of his lips so tempting to kiss. But I can't, and I know that. Alex is back and I love him. He gave me the _deliria_; he opened my eyes unto a whole new way of thinking, of _being.  
__And you gave the _deliria- _love, to Julian.  
_Brain could you, please, JUST SHUT UP!  
I want Julian, I do, but I've missed Alex so much. Julian is sweet and innocent, like a bird that has just taken off on its first flight. And Alex, well, this new hardened and cruel looking Alex reminds me of an eagle that would swoop down and kill the little bird Julian is. Not that Julian is weak, he's just… Not Alex.  
Thinking this almost hurts, almost.  
I know who I've wanted, who I've missed. I mourned him, never even considering he might have lived. How stupid was I? I should have had more faith.  
_But you didn't and now it's all messed up; great going Lena.  
_But faith in what?  
That he could have lived, and found me so many miles away?  
That they never killed him, and he was held prisoner?  
How could I have known? If I just would've kept Julian at a distance, kept him away from loving, maybe none of this would be happening right now: Maybe.  
How could I have known?  
I couldn't have.  
It's impossible, all of this, just impossible.  
All I can do is still stare, not believing what my eyes have confirmed. I have to touch him, feel his heart beating. Feel the warmth of his skin, and not the biting cold I've felt over and over in my dreams. I walk, slowly at first, and then I run; as I had run ever day to him in the Wilds. I grab him and throw my arms around him and stand there, taking him in. Breathing him in, trying to reacquaint myself with him. His body is thinner, but it's as I remembered: lean, muscular, and fits perfectly with mine.  
His heart is steady, as usual. I have made my choice.

* * *

**See what I mean? They belong together! I just love Alex! Hope you liked it, if not, well, I guess just review. **


End file.
